Some of the most recent talks given that I didn't think I really needed to hear were dealing with (all on different occasions) anger, being a servant, and being in a certain place for a certain purpose that God has in mind for you. I can't remember the last time i was angry. I mean aaron and i have "discussions", but we don't yell and i never feel angry. Frustrated, yes. Angry, no. And the being a servant thing...i'm a mother of three small children, enough said. Just kidding, but really, I have always been way on board with the fact that following Jesus means it's just not about me. And the last lesson, about God's timing and purpose for us was from the esther study i am in. You know the story...she is in a royal position so that she can save her people.
So, how you ask, did the Lord reveal to me that maybe i did need a little help in these areas? I'm so glad you asked. :)
God has placed a girl in my life who does not have much going for her at all . I do not even know the extent of the abuse and neglect that may have happened in her life, but it shows from her extremely poor emotional state to her extremely poor hygiene. God has blessed me with the opportunity to spend a lot of time with her just hanging out and talking. I have really gotten to know her well and I have actually started to be there for her not out of "christian duty" or whatever but because I love her. At least I thought I did. But it wasn't the kind of love God calls us to. Because she called me the other day and said she needed a place to stay for one night while her parents were out of town. And my gut reaction was (ugh, i'm so ashamed of this) a little bit repulsed at the idea of it because of reasons previously mentioned. So I said something about talking to aaron and getting back to her.
So, today she calls asking for the answer because tomorrow night is the night. She sounds pretty desperate. She had plans to stay with a friend and now the friend is saying she can't spend tomorrow night with her. So she has no where to go. And I start to get Mad. Fuming. Why is she all of a sudden my responsibility?! Why did her parents leave town without making sure she had a reliable place to stay?! I am feeling totally taken advantage of here! I mean, what if we had been out of town? What then? Whatever you did for one of the least of these, you did for me. Ok, fine. But, I really don't want to be a doormat here! I feel like there is some dishonesty and carelessness happening here and i don't want to be an enabler! This has to stop somewhere right? That is not for you to decide. ok. But, Lord, it's just not convenient for me right now. I never said it would be.
So, I am getting ready to make a bed for someone who I'm not sure is coming because now I can't get a hold of her. But I have been very humbled today and taught a mighty fine lesson about how to love people. Because i imagine that most times in the presence of our Holy Lord i am a clingy, weepy, dysfunctional, stinky mess. And He never turns me away.
So what does the title have to do with anything? Well, unfortunately, there was one from my rage session today. And of course it was the one I love the most. This all took place in the kitchen which Aaron had just finished cleaning. And i went to throw something in the trash which resides in the pantry. Not my first choice but when you have a dog that likes to eat ANYTHING that's where it has to go. So I open the door to toss the trash and the smell of burrito just about knocks me over. Remember, I am already on the warpath. I look and sitting on top of it are cold, stinky burritos from lunch. So now I'm mad because he didn't take out the nasty trash. We have enough smell issues in our house (2 in diapers and a dog) without adding burritos to the mix. I proceed to do what any good wife would do. I sigh as loud as I can without passing out and then do everything I can to make noise while changing the trash bag so he will ask me what's wrong so I can then say , "nothing". Hon, I know we've already worked this out, but sorry again for taking it out on you and thank you for cleaning the kitchen, and for playing with the girls while i worked, and for being the best dad and husband. :)
*glares at you for convicting me* :) (Sometimes I take it out on my family when I'm upset about something else.)
ReplyDeleteFor me, the really cool thing about the Beth Moore studies is that most weeks it's something that God's already been teaching me privately. Sometimes I can't help smiling because it's like God's letting me know that yes, that was what he was trying to teach me and now He's reinforcing it--it's almost like a private joke, if that doesn't sound too irreverant.
I think I have a clue about whom this might be and I want you to know that I have always admired you for your patience with her, but more, with all of those people in our paths that may need it the most. I know you are making a huge difference in her life (whether she is who I think she is or not), and God bless you for it!
ReplyDeleteLove you, Audrey!